Boracay Rules!!!

Being a Boracay expert, I have decided to list the following rules which most of my readers will find useful.

1. Don’t take advantage of happy hour in Cocomangas or any bar.

Too many orders of Jam Jar in Cocomangas will surely cloud one’s judgement. What seems to be a simple concoction of pineapple juice, gin, triple sec and grenadine looks harmless, but after downing 2 jars will ensure maximum untoxication. I got laid with people I didn’t know and realized that I won’t go to bed with them if I was sober. I walked the stretch of the 4 kilometer beach drunk dead, and I am not sure if I made a good impression harassing friends and strangers. If you drink, please, don’t walk.

2. Make sure that what you tell about someone is inaudible, or better yet, that person is not in Boracay.

I have always wondered how come I could hear what other beachgoers are talking about even if they are staying quite far from me. Then I did my research, the body of water is actually a big receiving dish, water is a good transmitter, it bounces back the noise, thus, you tend to hear everything. And when one is drunk, he or she tends to speak louder, thus, what seems to be a simple side remark could be delivered to the unintended recipient faster and louder. And try this, try talking ill about someone who is staying in the island in the morning, and most likely, that person has heard about it before sunset. The island is so small that what you say in station 1 will travel fast and reach station 3 before you have realized it. Boracay has a “small town mentality” embedded on it, and gossiping is better enjoyed while you are baking under the sun.

3. If you want to remain anonymous, do not wear the clothes you wore the night before.

I am not sure if it was my gift of photographic memory, but I have perfected connecting one’s face with one’s face and more, with one’s outfit. When I stayed in Boracay for a month, I brought 4 duffle bags full of clothes, the dog, and the kitchen to boot. I have perfected remembering what a person’s snafu the night before and what clothes the person was wearing. Thus, I made it a golden rule to wear a new shirt every morning. Maybe it is just me, but people tend to remember me more, psychologists and HR blame it on being too goodlooking, people love a cute face (snicker!!).

4. Avoid the crowd like a plague. What happens in Boracay does not stay in Boracay.

Being in Boracay during Holy Week is like being in Megamall during sale weekends. Traffic tends to build up in D’Mall because fans are gawking at their favorite celebs as if it was their birth right to watch how actors chew their food. Once, Robin Padilla was having dinner and the whole crowd was counting the number of bites he took from his dinner. Last week, I was sitting with Katrina Halili in Aria, and fans started asking for souvenir photos with her, thus, stopping us from an enjoyable lunch. Fans even have the guts to ask me to take the pictures using their phone or digital camera, as if I was created to be their photographer.

The first time I went to Boracay, GSM was unheard of, and Smart was lording it in the analog phone market. Thus, when one was in Boracay then, there was no phone signal and bringing your mobile phone was useless. One could make love in the dark areas and no one would call your BF or GF who was in Manila to tell about it, or worse, no MMS (multi-media message) would be sent, thus, the adage “what happens in Boracay stays in Boracay”, since no one would receive a copy of the wrongdoings. Now, with the advent of digicam and mobile phones with camera, no one is safe. Paparazzi like me is making a living out of it, and be careful, it might end up in the pages of Star Studio Magazine.

5. Don’t leave everything to fate, if possible, bring your own partner.

For the past 12 years, I have been without a partner whenever I am in Boracay. I am under this spell of romance, meeting someone by the beach or in bar and fall in love, or yet, have casual sex. For the past 12 years, I go back to my hotel room alone and thinking about the numerous couples inside their hotels having sex and I bet, the love juice being secreted could fill up the water reservoir by Boracay’s main road. Picture this, 4 guys out on a bar hoping to meet 4 girls in Cocomangas, chances of sex? Zero! Hello? The girls are out there to have drinks, not to meet anyone. Then picture this, a goodlooking homosexual drinking alone by the bar, the chances of getting laid? Zero! I have treated guys and they ended up drunk, too wasted to even remember me the next day to say thanks for the round of drinks. And when I get back to the hotel? Hotel staff are not allowed to sleep with guests, unless they want to lose their jobs. Once I was so drunk, I ended up sucking the cock of the security guard in White House Resort, doing it in front of the resort, and then the goodlooking straight owner of the resort arrived, too drunk to see if the couple doing it in front of him was a boy and a girl, worse, to know that the guy standing up receiving a head was wearing a security guard uniform, thank God for Cocomangas Jam Jars, someone took advantage of happy hours (please read rule #1).