Jake For President

Lately, hearing mass at St. Jude in Malacanang gets me inspired, for reason that is unfathomable. I am starting to entertain the idea of living beside the church, and the house next to it happens to be Malacanang, the presidential palace. Don’t get me wrong, but I won’t be squatting, I am planning to be the Philippine president in the near future, either in 2010 or 2014, or maybe in 2018. In this country, everyone could run for public office as long as one is a Filipino citizen, and that’s it. No requirement for educational background, nor experience, but one needs at least P200 million to get elected. It is election season now in the Philippines, and it has been a circus, too many clowns and the circus called Philippine Senate needs new entertainers, I mean senators. The choices are either traditional politicians, actors, singers, basketball players, take your pick. One actor, who was a vocal antagonist of the present administration, to the point of chanting “Cardinal Sin, Walisin!! GMA Patalsikin!” ( Cardinal Sin already passed away and cannot stand for this injustice) is joining the administration ticket since he could not be accommodated in the opposition ticket, how’s that for principle. He is taking by heart that politics is addition, not subtraction. I can’t help but imagine the dirt that my opponents will throw my way in case I decide to run, “Si Jake ay bakla!” (Jake is a screaming homosexual!) for which I have a ready retort, “Bakla man ako, Hindi po ako magnanakaw ng kaban ng bayan! (Even if I am gay, I am no thief of the people’s money!). “Magnanakaw lang po ako ng lakas ng mga kalalakihan!” ( I only steal men’s source of strength!), and I am so guilty. Of course, the problem of who will stand by my side during state visits and official functions, the title of “First Gentleman”, will be subject to questioning, nothing to worry, I will be like Queen Elizabeth and I will just have "consorts". I admire the former First Lady Imelda Marcos and she will be my template. “The Beautiful” Manila will be again the hub of cultural rebirth, of course, minus the terno (butterfly sleeves). In a country where in Christianity is the religion, homosexuality is belittled, either they are comic relief in sitcoms, designers, hairdressers, or worst, housemaids, we have a double standard of morality. We can accept philandering husbands, loose women, and yet, we cannot accept homosexuals. I am a well-educated person, far more educated than outgoing senators such as Lito Lapid, and yet, I didn’t get to hold a single public office. In case I get elected as President, my first Executive Order will be the genocide of poor voters, those people who are not exercising their votes wisely. Suffrage is one of democracy’s greatest gains, and yet, we tend to vote people who are incapable of running the government. To quote Leo Martinez, a strong advocate of showbiz personalities not running for public office, “Let’s put first in order the show business of which most actors/candidates are from, because a public office is something that will require responsibility to a greater public, the Filipino people”. Most actors/senators who became elected have something to be proud of, such as renaming of streets (how’s that for wasting taxes) or providing incentives to the entertainment industry (how self-serving). Before I run for the next election, I am hoping to earn my P200 million so that won’t be beholden to anyone since I want to spend my own money in campaigning. I don’t want any political debt (“utang na loob”) and I could run the country without putting anyone’s interest except the people’s welfare. And dig this, after winning the presidency, look at the bright side, from 100 million Filipinos, I could have almost 50 million killed due to their stupidity, for not knowing their candidates well. But first, those 100 million should put me first in office, tall order I know, and the P200 million? The Lord will provide if it is in his will, and for now, I will just pray in St. Jude, the patron saint of hopeless cases. Just like me and the Philippines, we are a perfect example of hopeless case. Mabuhay Mga Kababayan Ko!