Thankful..

Why is that most people are afraid of the unknown? Why is that we resist change? Why we always look at the glass always half-empty? Is optimism dead? Is it a virus that most people contract when they were still inside their mother’s womb?

I am a perfect example of a walking contradiction, I admit that I am such an asshole, always expecting to get things done my way, I detest change and yet always make sure that I am part of pop culture. I hate complacency yet I am guilty of being lazy. I love going to new places and yet I still long for where I came from.

Today, I attended the screening of a Cinemalaya entry. It was held in CCP, an edifice built in pursuit of beauty, truth and good, which is really ironic, given the history of the building. It was erected during the first term of the Marcos regime, and a brainchild of Madame Imelda Marcos. Not a white elephant like the Bataan Nuclear Plant, it continues to stand and serve the purpose it was built for. I remember that as a teener, I make it to a point to absorb culture as much as possible. I did the usual route, watching matinees in CCP, and showing my student ID to avail of the student discount. I would go home quite satisfied with every show, whether it was held in the main theater or in Huseng Batute. I love the 3 grand capiz chandeliers in the reception area and the plush red carpet. Now, CCP is threading into unfamiliar territories, showing digital films, a never heard format of the early years of CCP. Watching a grainy and somewhat pixelized movie is not eyecandy, given that the screen is huge. This is where I am against new media at times, I still love film, not digital ones but the traditional one. Nuances and textures are captured by the old format whereas nothing of that could be seen or felt in digital. A new format being introduced in a venue created for traditional medium, such as dance, music or art is quite too much for me to enjoy. Maybe I am starting to show my age as well, in now, this is where my hesitation to welcome change is somewhat evident.

When I was in college, afternoons were spent in libraries, whether at school or my favorite venue, the Thomas Jefferson in Gil Puyat Ave. It was uncommon that I would go home without a book borrowed, at least I finish one per week. I may have lots of friends but nothing is comparable to books, they could entertain me whenever I am bored or alone. Come to think of it, pagers or mobile phones were never heard then and yet, my relationship with people were not fleeting. Now, with those gadgets around, I do not get to see my friends at all. Maybe there is something impersonal or cold about technology that make us near yet distant. I do miss the old times, that in spite of the lack of phones, I get to see friends and spend quality time with them. Now I am degressing, I do love books and friends, in whatever order, but I guess now the former is more important. I spend a fortune buying books as well as other reading materials. I would even skip lunch just to be able the latest Vogue. And feel a pang of guilt whenever I solicit paid sex, and feel bad that I should have both a new book instead, at least the book could be held anytime and stays in the shelves, but paid sex does not. People sometimes ask me whenever they visit my place if I do not get bored with my life being alone, I always tell them that reading is a perfect thing to do to while the time away. I make sure that I bring a lot of reading materials during my Boracay trips, but sadly, they don’t serve their purpose because I am always occupied during those times, in search of a lay and meeting friends, again, not in that order. I was relieved when I went to Dumaguete recently because I was able to read a lot of materials. I do admit that my life is a lonely one, taking trips by myself, my old friends have either migrated to other places or they do not want to be friends anymore. It is really sad when old friends stopped getting in touch, either it is my fault or theirs, the tie that binds has been severed, either temporarily or permanently. Searching or discovering new set of friends isn’t a tedious chore though, but you still long for the friends you have grown accustomed with. My memory bank is full of nice times together with old friends, and like a treasure trove, I open it once in a while to feel better about their absence. I am really worried that one day, when my memory fails me, would I end up miserable? I know that I would be a loner since I was young, I love having a quite time for myself, I make sure I stay away from crowds, except if it is sale season or it involves sex, but still, group sex is not fun either, trust me, I have tried it and someone is bound to be left alone. Now that I am halfway in my trip in this so-called life, I made a sound investment. I started to have my own library, my books will be my friends and lovers when I reach the twilight of this journey. My ultimate dream is to have retirement houses in my favorite places, by the beach, by the rice fields, by the mountains, by the river. I am not afraid of the idea of living alone, I have been alone all of my life, except for my family and handful of friends, which is as of the last count in my friendster list, is around 286, but I do pray that the Lord make sure that whatever is lacking, He would make up for it.

Tonight, I will go to bed alone, even my dog is not with me for the past 4 months, she is on loan and up for stud service. If her master lived an unfinished life without offspring, she should experience the joy of giving life to another being. The puppies are expected to keep me company in the coming years. I always imagine that I would someday be able to buy a boat, a beach house, a 4X4 truck, and the dog will be ultimate buddy, together with the books.

Lord, you may not send me someone but I am always thankful that You have been there with me through thick and thin. I have never doubted Your divine guidance. I have may not be faithful to You but You have always been faithful to me. You have given me more than I have ever asked for, I do feel blessed that You made me special, queer at that, because I know that You have always the best laid plans for all of us. You alone could change me, but as I said, it is because of You that I am optimistic despite all the pessimisms around me because I am aware that you would make everything fall into their proper places.

Thank you.